The Pitfalls of "I Told You So"

            We read in Parashat Miketz of the arrival of Yosef’s brothers in Egypt to purchase grain.  Yosef, whom the brothers did not recognize, accused them of coming to spy the country, and ordered one brother, Shimon, to be imprisoned while the others return home and bring the youngest brother, Binyamin, back to Egypt.  The brothers immediately made the connection between their current situation – where one brother was taken from them – and the crime they had committed against Yosef: “They said one to another, ‘Indeed, we are guilty on account of our brother, that we saw his distress as he pleaded to us, but we did not hear him – this is why this trouble has befallen us!’” (42:21).

Reuven then replied to his brothers, “Did I not tell you, saying, ‘Do not mistreat the child,’ but you did not listen?  And now a reckoning is made for his blood!”  At this moment of “reckoning,” when the brothers saw before their very eyes their crime coming back to haunt them, Reuven felt vindicated; the stance he took on that fateful day in Dotan was now proven correct.  And he wanted to ensure that his brothers acknowledged and made note of it.  He says, “Did I not tell you?” – or, in contemporary parlance, “I told you so!”

Saying “I told you so” is destructive and hurtful on many levels.  For one thing, it simply reinforces the feelings of shame and remorse felt by the other party, pouring salt on their raw emotional wounds.  The result is, in many cases, just more tension and animosity, and hardly even will the response be an honest and polite, “I’m sorry, you were right and I was wrong.”  Moreover, “I told you so” diverts attention from the present and future, and focuses the conversation on the past, which can no longer be changed.  What should have occupied Reuven’s mind at this difficult moment was not self-vindication, but rather charting the best course of action to deal with the unexpectedly harsh circumstances that he and his brothers confronted.  But he instead resorted to petty competition, showing his brothers that he was right and they were wrong.

But perhaps worst of all, “I told you so” often has the effect of adding stress to an already tense situation.  Usually, the response of “I told you so” relates to an argument between parties concerning a complex and difficult issue or circumstance that they faced, and which they sought to handle in different ways.  After a decision is reached and it is later determined to have been the wrong choice, the parties face a problem that must be addressed.  They are already tense, anxious and upset.  An arrogant, triumphant “I told you so” magnifies the aggravation and frustration manifold, making a difficult situation intolerable.

Later in Parashat Miketz, we find another comment made in a moment of frustration that only added to the stress of the situation.  After the nine brothers returned to Canaan and informed Yaakov of the Egyptian vizier’s demand that they bring Binyamin to Egypt, Yaakov refused to allow Binyamin to go.  Later, when the family’s provisions were depleted, the brothers again implored Yaakov to allow them to bring Binyamin to Egypt and purchase the direly-needed food provisions.  Desperate and forlorn, Yaakov exclaimed, “Why have you done me evil by telling the man that you had another brother?” (43:6).  Yaakov pointed an accusing finger at his sons, who – he thought – volunteered the information that they had a younger brother, whom the vizier then demanded that they bring to Egypt, thus causing the current crisis.

The Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 91) criticizes Yaakov for making this angry remark: “Our patriarch Yaakov would never speak a purposeless word [davar shel batala] – except here.”  The Sages viewed this remark as a “purposeless” comment, one which had no constructive value, and was blurted simply as an expression of grief and frustration.

Difficult predicaments require coolheaded, rational thinking and strategizing.  The comments made by Reuven and Yaakov were raw expressions of emotions which – though readily understandable in light of the stressful circumstances they confronted – exacerbated the stress and tension, rather than contributing toward the search for a solution.  Specifically in situations of complex and difficult predicaments, when tensions are high and emotions are boiling, we must avoid “devarim shel batala,” emotional outbursts that agitate, rather than help calm, the people involved.