The Torah in Parashat Vayishlach describes Yaakov’s preparations for his feared encounter with his brother, Esav, which included sending a large bribe, dividing his family and servants into two groups in case Esav attacks, and offering a prayer. Afterward, we read that Yaakov arose in the middle of the night and journeyed across the Yabok stream with his family and possessions. It was during that night when he was confronted by a mysterious assailant, an angel, who succeeded in injuring Yaakov’s thigh.
The Rashbam comments that Yaakov’s intent was to travel a different route back to Canaan in order to avoid Esav. Under the cover of night, Yaakov tried to escape from Esav by changing course. God dispatched the angel to prevent Yaakov from escaping, and to inflict an injury to punish him for fleeing despite God’s promise of protection and clear instruction to return to Canaan without fear. The Rashbam (32:29) compares Yaakov’s punishment to Moshe’s punishment for delaying his return to Egypt from Midyan, and the punishment brought upon Yona for trying to escape from his mission.
This general approach is also taken by Chizkuni, which might strike us as surprising in light of his earlier comments (to 32:8), explaining why Yaakov feared his encounter with Esav. Chizkuni explained, based on the Midrash (Bereishit Rabba 76:2), that Yaakov feared because Esav came with the merit of kibbud av va-eim (honoring parents) which Yaakov did not have. Throughout the years Yaakov spent in Charan, Esav tended to his parents, while Yaakov had no contact with them at all. Yaakov feared that Esav might be worthier of God’s assistance than he was, and for this reason he was afraid. Leaving aside the question of why this particular mitzva would have given Esav an “advantage” over Yaakov, we might also wonder why, according to Chizkuni, Yaakov was deserving of punishment for fleeing despite his legitimate concerns. His fear was bone not out of mistrust of God, but rather out of a humble recognition of his limited achievements. Why, then, was he punished? (This question was raised and discussed by Rav Chaim Elazary, in his Darkhei Chayim.)
One answer, perhaps, is that our recognition of our shortcomings should never hamper our progress or our ability to fulfill God’s will. Yaakov was unsettled by his perceived failure in the area of kibbud av va-eim, and we have much to learn from his fears about the importance of rigorous self-scrutiny and unforgiving introspection, but he was nevertheless taken to task for allowing these disquieting thoughts to divert him from the course charted for him by God. If there is a route we must take, we should not allow our “baggage” to weigh us down and delay or sabotage the journey.
We are not given explicit divine guidance toward the particular routes we need to take in life, other than the body of mitzvot and halakhic obligations that we have received through our tradition. Nevertheless, we may learn from Yaakov’s injury not to allow the mistakes of our past to interfere with our quest for a successful and accomplished future. We must maintain the delicate balance between honest self-evaluation and scrutiny, on the one hand, and, on the other, steady and confident progress and advancement.
Memories of past mistakes are important reminders of our frailty and the need for improvement, but can also sow fear and self-doubt that hold us back. Yaakov, according to Chizkuni, was crippled by his doubts, and thus suffered a crippling injury at the hands of God’s angel. We must try to avoid the crippling effect of an engaged conscience, and use the recognition of our mistakes to move forward, rather than be held back.